fic: time, out of joint (Chapter 4)

[lisbei]

. . . News coming in from all over the world . . . in Asia, populations react in shock to what happened as they slept . . . our correspondent in Korea reports of . . . reeling from news of the royal family decimated, the English rally together and . . .

Kris could hear the mumbling of the tv from the couch, but couldn’t bring himself to get up, or even use the remote. From the kitchen he could hear Cale talking to someone, and occasionally raising his voice, but it was like Cale was speaking in a different language.

The sound of the news programmes kept intruding into his thoughts, breaking up his concentration. Now they were going over the President’s Speech again, analysing every word, now they were showing another speech, this time by the English Prime Minister. Sometimes he tried to watch, to take his mind off his thoughts, but they just kept showing the same deserted freeway footage, over and over again; he wanted to look for the mustang, but then didn’t want to see it there. Maybe if it wasn’t there, then Adam would be ok. Then, in the hours since the blackout, the news media had been sent hundreds of blurry cell phone videos, some of them showing people collapsing to the ground, others showing the aftermath of the disaster.

In one, which they kept repeating, some kid with the brightest red hair Kris had ever seen was being told that he was the King now. Not that Kris could actually hear anything, but the producers had helpfully added subtitles, as an oldish guy with a beard talked earnestly while a lady in her sixties with a shock of white hair just hugged the kid, who kept shaking his head. He was older than Kris had thought at first, in his mid-twenties.

Why was he watching this again? Right, because he hoped they’d say something about Adam. But all they showed were foreign correspondents, after they finally managed to get satellite link-ups going again, and this kid, and some old footage of a really huge wedding. Kris knew he should know who it was but his mind refused to focus on anything except Adam. King of what, anyway? And who cares, he thought mulishly.

Nothing made sense anymore – the whole world had blacked out? How was that possible? Millions dead, the greatest disaster in human history, it was just too huge. Too big, he couldn’t handle it. And every time he tried, he just saw that list, again. And the car. He still remembered the day they’d got the cars, and that awful presentation thing; but Adam hadn’t cared about the cameras, he’d just loved the car. Kris had to smile, remembering Adam revving the motor and sneering for the cameras, and then giggling. He tried to focus on the screen through the tears in his eyes, only to catch the tail-end of some anchor’s sound-bite, “. . . and the preparations for a Royal Wedding will have to be changed to a Royal funeral . . .”

Funeral. Lots of funerals, more like. Just the word brought that moment to mind again, when he’d seen Adam’s name on that list. Before and after. Before he saw the name, and after. And the mustang, hanging over the freeway, that was a picture he couldn’t get out of his head, either. Maybe if he’d been quicker to leave the studio, he could have . . . what? What the hell could he have done? He rubbed his eyes, and realised his face was wet . . . again. He had to cut it out with the crying. This wasn’t helping. There had to be some mistake, he’d seen Adam in that dream, whatever it was, and- his frantic thoughts were interrupted by Cale’s voice, which had been steadily getting louder.

“I don’t care what your policy is, Kris has a right to know what’s happened to his, his friend . . . “

The strange emphasis Cale put on ‘friend’ made Kris blush, slightly. He should have known Cale would guess what was wrong with him; he wondered why Cale was being so understanding, though.

“No, I’m not going to call Lizzie and ask her to contact you – I don’t even know if she’s alive or dead, or if her family’s safe. The hell do you think I am, making her work today? Kris is managed by 19, he’s with Sony, what more do you want?”

Kris felt a sudden rush of shame; he hadn’t even thought of Lizzie, let alone tried to contact her. But every time he wanted to think of something else, he just flashed on that car, suspended in space, and his imagination added Adam, sprawled over the seats, his eyes open, blank, staring.

Cale listened for a few seconds, and then evidently interrupted whoever was on the line.

“Family? You’re asking if he isn’t family? Well, maybe if they lived somewhere else, Kris would be.”

Kris winced. Now Cale was really pushing it. But that must have worked, because a smile was spreading on Cale’s face, and Kris felt a sudden flash of hope. He got up and staggered towards Cale, his mind racing. Please, oh please. Cale hung up, and saw Kris staring at him. He grinned.

“Adam’s alive. But . . . he’s unconscious, or in a coma, she wasn’t clear.”

Kris swallowed a few times, not trusting his voice to sound cracked and hoarse. He felt like he hadn’t talked for years.

“Who . . . who did you talk to?”

Cale winced slightly, no doubt thinking of all the things he’d implied in his conversation.

“Someone at Sony – the hospital got in touch with them to get Adam’s parents to the hospital; he’s at UCLA.”

Suddenly Kris couldn’t stand anymore – his knees turned to jello and he collapsed on a chair.

“Jesus.” He buried his face in his hands. “Cale, I don’t know what . . . I don’t know how . . . “

When he looked up again, Cale was staring at him. The look on his face was difficult to read.

“Now can you tell me what this all was about, after I’m probably fired from your band?”

Kris smiled. “I won’t let them fire you.” Cale raised his eyebrows. “Ok, I get it; no changing the subject.” Kris took a couple of deep breaths, trying to psych himself up for it, not sure anymore how much Cale had guessed. “In the dream, or vision, whatever it was . . . I was with Adam.”

Cale shrugged. “So? You weren’t with us, so you were, what, catching up with Adam . . . big deal . . .”

Kris couldn’t help the blush that he knew was spreading all over his face.

“I wasn’t just with Adam, I was with Adam. Like . . . you know . . .”

He trailed off, conscious that he’d been making some strange gestures with his hands, and put them down, quickly. Don’t make me say it, he was pleading with Cale in his head. His face grew hotter and hotter as he saw the slow comprehension spread over Cale’s face.

“Fuck, Kris! I only said that to the PA ‘cause I thought she’d spill quicker that way! I never thought . . . Kris, what about Katy? What about the vows you made?”

Kris wished the ground would open and swallow him up.

“Don’t you think I’ve been asking myself the same things, over and over, since this morning? D’you think I wanted all this? I didn’t ask to see myself and Adam fu- doing . . . stuff . . . in a freaking vision!”

Cale winced probably at the mental picture he was getting; Kris didn’t care, he’d had the surround sound version. And if he, Kris, could take it, then so could Cale. Though, not in the same way, obviously. Oh crap. He hoped he hadn’t said that out loud.

“When we all got up, after . . . I just wanted to forget it. It was just some messed up dream. But then I saw his name on that list, and they said he was dead, and . . .”

Why was this so hard? Why couldn’t he just say it, that he loved Adam? Because that was the truth, because mixed with the horror at Adam’s ‘death’, there’d been a moment of love so intense he still felt dizzy with it. He just knew that if Adam was truly dead, nothing would ever matter to him again. And now that he knew Adam was alive, he had to go to him and see if he felt the same way.

“I have to get to him, I just . . .”

Kris realised that he’d got up at some point, that he had his hand on the door, but something was keeping him back. That something turned out to be Cale’s arm across his chest.

“What the hell? Cale. You know I gotta . . . “

Cale was speaking very, very slowly. Slower than usual, even. Kris felt resentful – he wasn’t a kid, or mentally . . . not there . . . what did Cale think he was doing?

“Kris. It’s nearly 10. We can’t go anywhere right now. The roads will still be closed off and . . . Kris? Buddy?”

Kris swallowed. He looked out of the window, and Cale was right, it was pitch black outside. One of the streetlights was flickering on and off, on and off, and Kris felt such an intense wave of frustration he just wanted to yell and punch the wall.

“What if.” Kris cleared his throat and tried again. “What if he . . . dies. During the night. Just drifts away. Sometimes that happens . . .”

He blinked furiously, holding back the tears that threatened again, for fuck’s sake, he had to pull himself together. He glanced at Cale, who was grinning and shaking his head.

“Drift away? Kris, dude, I don’t know Adam half as well as you do, and even I know he’s not drifting anywhere. Come on, sit down, and we’ll play a while; you’ll feel better.”

But whatever Cale thought would be good for him would have to wait. There was his phone ringing again; except it wasn’t his phone, it was Skype, on his laptop, which they’d left open, and out of the corner of his eye he could see who was calling. Katy. Of course. Perfect timing. Somewhere, someone was laughing at him.

Cale grabbed the laptop and pushed it into Kris’s arms.

“Go on, speak in the bedroom. You’ll need some privacy.” Cale gave him a meaningful look. Kris knew he had to tell Katy, but did it have to be now? He hadn’t cheated. Yet, his mind reminded him. Not yet. But he would. And in a way, emotionally, he already had.

“Hey honey.” He smiled at Katy, trying to look cheerful. She didn’t look very rested either; she smiled back at him, tentatively.

“Are you ok? You look tired.” Kris immediately wanted to yawn, but managed to swallow it.

“It’s been a crazy day; Cale and I, and the others, we helped clear a road, or two . . . How are your parents?” he continued, immediately feeling guilty that he hadn’t asked before.

“They’re fine! I managed to get through to them on the phone, and I just finished talking to them on Skype . . .”

Kris didn’t understand – why hadn’t she gone over to them? Unless . . .

“Katy? What . . . You’re not at home, are you?”

Katy blushed and looked guilty, shaking her head.

“I flew over last night . . . I wanted to surprise you. Surpise!”

For the first time since their conversation had started, Kris really looked at what was behind her; yes, it wasn’t familiar at all. He could only shake his head, and smile at her. Just seeing her made him feel hopelessly guilty.

“Kris. I . . . need to tell you something.” Katy looked even guiltier than before, guiltier than he felt. But there was that stubborn look on her face; there was something she needed to tell him. Kris knew that had been her therapist’s advice, that secrets had to be told, that things kept inside would become toxic for her. But still, what could Katy possibly have to confess to him? He could see himself in the corner of the screen, mouth open like a fish, and closed it, hurriedly. He cleared his throat, wondering if he needed to respond, but she continued, not waiting for his answer.

“You know how everyone had these weird dreams, and how some of them were the same?” She sounded like she was trying to break some bad news gently, and suddenly Kris had a burst of wild hope. What if he didn’t have to be the bad guy? He immediately felt ashamed. This was his marriage he was so happily throwing away. A sigh from the speakers brought his thoughts back to the present. Katy was looking at him, impatiently.

“Yeah . . . they were saying on tv that maybe the dreams are the . . . future? Or something.”

She nodded eagerly, and then another emotion crossed her face – there was some shame there too. Kris found his hand clenching, his fingernails cutting into his palm.

“I’ve been watching the news all day and they’ve even given the dreams a name, calling them ‘flashforwards’. Isn’t that weird? And they’re gonna make a website where everyone can type in their flashforward and so we can find the people we saw, if we didn’t know them, and . . . “

Katy was gabbling on, getting more and more animated, but then she stopped, suddenly. She blushed.

“I shouldn’t be excited, I know. So many people . . . dead. Or hurt. But I had such an amazing dream.” Her eyes glazed slightly, and Kris knew she was back there, in her vision.

“It was weird, at first. I couldn’t move my body, it was like I was just a spectator, you know?” Kris nodded. He knew, alright. Katy continued without really pausing for his response.

“I was wearing a uniform, I was a cop! I could see my arms, and my reflection in a car window . . . I think. I had a gun pointed at someone, a gun! And then I was yelling at him, to put it down, put it down. And then he moved his gun up and I pulled the trigger! But it was weird, it didn’t feel real.”

Katy paused, lost in thought. “And then someone yelled “Cut!”, and everyone froze, even me, and someone else shouted ‘that’s great, we’re clear,’ and I looked around, and this alley was just, just fake! There were people all around, and cameras and mikes, and then the guy I shot just got up! And he came up to me and hugged me, and then someone else clapped me on the back and told me I did a great job, and there were actors all around, people I’ve seen on tv! And then . . .”

Katy stopped. Suddenly she couldn’t meet Kris’s eyes anymore.

“This guy just came up to me, I’ve never seen him before. And he just grabs me and . . . we kiss . . . and someone behind me laughs and says something like, see you in make-up, and then, and then. I woke up. And I was lying on the floor of my hotel room, and Kris, I swear. I swear I don’t know this guy, and I never cheated, never!”

Katy had tears in her eyes now. She was looking pleadingly at Kris, and he just didn’t know what to say to reassure her, but he had to try. His flashforward, or whatever they wanted to call it, was so much worse than hers. He couldn’t let her feel guilty about this.

“Katy, please. Please don’t cry.” She knuckled her eyes hurriedly and gave him a watery smile.

“In my dream. I wasn’t. We weren’t.” How could he tell her about Adam? About having sex with Adam, happy, giggly sex with a man, how could he tell her this? She would have to find out eventually, but he couldn’t do this to her now. “In the flashforward, I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring. I was with someone else.”

Katy had covered her mouth and was staring at him. Even though there was shock in her eyes, he hoped he could see some relief, too. He desperately hoped it wasn’t just wishful thinking on his part.

“Was she . . . someone new? Or someone we know? Kris?”

He shook his head, hardly daring to look at her, terrified that he’d give himself away. “Katy, don’t ask me that. I can’t answer that right now.”

Katy nodded. She hesitated at first, and then spoke, slowly, carefully.

“Maybe we shouldn’t just act on these dreams. Maybe they were just, you know, made up stuff.”

He knew she was saying that for his benefit – he knew he didn’t sound half as joyful and ecstatic as she did about this future where she finally had the tv part which she’d dreamed of, even if he wasn’t a part of it. And maybe that was for the best, a small voice inside him pointed out. Maybe Katy, after seeing a future where she was coping without his support, felt freer than she’d ever been.

“Oh baby.” If only you knew what I saw, you’d ask me where my secret gay porn stash was hidden.

“There’s too many coincidences and shared dreams for this to be nothing, or wishful thinking.” Besides, if anything else, he could honestly say that he’d never wished for sex with Adam – now that he’d experienced it, kind of, he could say that it was good. Great, even. Amazing, if he was going to be perfectly honest with himself. But he’d never even considered it, before. Before the blackout.

“But what about God, Kris? What does God want? What if we’re going against His will?”

Kris felt so ashamed he could barely think, for a second. He hadn’t prayed once, today. He swallowed, hard, and thought for a few seconds before answering her.

“We have to believe God sent us this, don’t we? Because otherwise . . . I don’t know how else to see it.” And still keep my faith, he nearly added, but didn’t. He couldn’t believe that all that had happened today was just a random blip in the universe – the visions had to mean something.

Katy nodded slowly. “I’m so scared. It’s like everything is new, and I’m going on a journey, and I don’t know the way.” You and me both, honey, Kris thought. “Can we pray together for a while?” Her voice sounded scared and small, like a child’s.

“That’s a great idea!” He smiled at her, finally managing to be sincere.

It was a good idea. Prayer would help him centre himself, he could ask for guidance, though he suspected that he’d been given all the guidance he was going to get. But he could pray for Adam, too. And that was what they did, until Katy’s eyes started closing, and Kris couldn’t stifle the yawns anymore.

Kris set his alarm for 6, not wanting to waste any more time sleeping than he had to. He lay down, his mind still buzzing with the day’s events, Katy’s vision, and all the crazy shit that day had thrown at him. But one thought stood out in the confusion. I’m on my way, Adam. Just hold on.